Let The Feeding Frenzy Begin...

It is that time of year on the campaign trail in which passions become inflamed and rhetoric flies...

The Swift Boaters, the smear artists, the Karl Roves of this Reich emerge from the sceptic sludge in which they have been hatching their latest plots...

Meanwhile, the paranoid, the gullible and the functionally illiterate emerge from their closets and bomb shelters, remove the duct tape and visqueen from doors and windows to find the latest plots to undermine their way of life.

The foaming at the mouth is too priceless to ignore in their attempts to prove in fact, that the earth is flat, that man has never set foot on the moon and climate change is the ultimate hoax.

I throw my hat in the ring in this not so subtle spoof of urban legend and political rumor.

(originally posted on Craigslist during the primary)

Earthling,

You alone among the two legged walking upright have figured out our nefarious plan to undermine your civilization.

You alone have found out who the real Obama is!

I am InaBar, communicator and diplomatic minister of Urenanus, the 14th planet of the star your people know as b199873 in the Crab Nebula. Yes Obama is one of our operatives, sent to your planet to secure quantities of silica which are now lacking on our planet due to the constant bombardment of what you call gamma rays.

McCain is not one of ours. However we too have been observing him and you will--or should soon find out that he practices cannibalism. Notice his stiff gait. This is the result of an early stage of v.Jakubs Crutzfeld or what some earth people call Mad Cow. Look at the highly developed jaw and unusual facial features. This is the result of years of gnawing on the large femur and other limbs that are an outgrowth of his years of deprivation and starvation in North Vietnamese prison camps. He refers to this tasty delicacy as "long pig". Vietnam was not a memory he cherishes...

Hillary is one of ours although she was an early and unsuccessful experiment in cloning. Her genetic material is actually derived from that of Liberace and Madalyn Murray Ohair. She has however proven to be somewhat uncontrollable and too emotional for our needs.

Homosexuality is indeed a plot to deprive your planet of needed reproductive materials. We have created hominids that are able to consume and store large quantities of semen in various bodily orifices without actually impregnating anyone or anything.

Obesity is part of this same plot whereby we render the two legged unattractive to each other and physically unable to fornicate unlesss certain positions are achieved or the male member is larger than the norm. Many male members of your society now cannot in fact find their reproductive organ without looking in a mirror. By controlling human reproduction, we will be able to assume control of your planet much earlier and with less violence as the population gradually shrinks. Notice how many earth women now look like Roseanne Barr and wear ugly shoes? Do you find this attractive, earth person?

As you have noticed, we have also experimented with body hair but our experiments have been inconclusive. Salma Hayek has been far more successful and attractive to earthlings than we ever imagined and waxing seems to be a popular albeit painful process.

More later, earth person. I congratulate you on your brilliant detective work. We will soon be able to return Elvis to your planet as well.