We all get them--the endless emails asking us to claim our lottery winnings or help a troubled princess spirit her priceless collection of Tiffany nail files out of Africa... Oops wrong type of princess...
Rather than constantly deleting or letting my blood pressure boil over, I thought'd I'd exercise my writing skills and let my imagination run wild with "My Replies"
(the original email is lost)
The Skirt Reply:
Yes...I recall most everything and yet until today, have not heard from any of the partners. We delivered the car as promised--and it was rough getting it over the border so we are expecting payment soon--or you may have to deal with Bill and his crew of thugs. Can you speak to him about some of those people he has in his employ? I understand you or your associates were close at one time? Bad for our image--if you know what I mean. Write back as soon as you can make the transfer of funds and do not be stupid about whom you tell.
Do not use my real name. Be smart about this.
d
(this fellow "bought in"--and replied to the above)
----- Original Message -----
From: George AMAHApellidos
To: skirt
Sent: Sunday, January 13, 2008 11:24 PM
Subject: YOUR DRAFT
Dear “skirt”,
I have received your mail and the Draft is with me now as I have collected it from Afribank Nigeria PLC, my master's bank here in Nigeria. Could you send me your courier service DELIVERY CHARGE and insurance which is $350.00 with our lawyer's name: Mr.Chima Uchenna, address: #74 Allen Avenue, Ikeja Lagos-Nigeria through Western Union Money Transfer or Money Grams so that I can send the Draft to your mailing address which you have sent to me.
In the other way round, you can open a domiciliary bank account here with any of the commercial banks here in Nigeria and pay in the Draft into the new account which you will opened on your name,… Also, where you want your money remitted,your local bank name and address,account number,routing number,swift number (if any) and account name… My phone number is 002348083768020
Regards, Rev.George Amah
The Skirt Reply:
George,
Something has gone horribly wrong here! We have now made multiple deposits into the account you specified. Am I writing to the wrong person?
The tall blonde that you met in front of the church had all the pertinent information. Apparently someone is tampering with our e mails. Is there any chance that Interpol or the FBI might be on to you?
Please do not use my real name.
d
and a very different solicitation of my own:
Dear sirs,
We have a unique opportunity to bring into your country the sum of 4000 kilos of powdered foreskin from the very rare black East Indian elephant.
This powder and the magical minerals and proteins --a mix of amino acids unique to the bull elephant from the Indian subcontinent contained within have been proven repeatedly to increase the size and the staying power of any man! The pleasant tasting powder can be taken as a syrup or made into a tea or as a snuff.
We are looking for investors who are also familiar with the vagaries of import and export--as well as the movement of agricultural products across international borders. We have however had our top notch legal team look at any and all laws related to the import and export of endangered species and this product is 100% percent legal as the elephants are only circumcised.
This is an absolutely incredible investment opportunity as we all know because this is one industry where the tips are always big!!! This is also your opportunity to truly be on the cutting edge of one of the most exciting new products to hit the ground!
Feel free to respond to this email or write us at :
Cutting Edge Medical Technologies
PO Box 42671
Sonoma CA
95476
USA
(and from another)
----- Original Message -----
From: <sinico.manuel@virgilio.it>
Subject: CONFIRM YOUR WINNING> CONFIRM YOUR WINNING> REFERENCE NUMBER: LSLUK/2031/8161/04 >>
We are happy to inform you that you> have emerged a winner under the First Category, which is part of our> promotional draws. The draws are being officially announced today 15th> of January, 2008.You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out…
The Skirt Reply:
I like a lump.
A heffalump.
Speaking of lumps, I found one in my diaper the other day.
What do you think it was?
(and a very understated reply)
----- Original Message -----
From: mark john
To:
Subject: Chrome fender thingies--left and right
Hello how are you doing today? i saw your advert i love to buy i want to know the last price you want to sell the advert i will like to hear from you soon mark
The Skirt Reply:
Mark,
I wrote to you several times--and you never replied.
What's up with that?
skirt
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Let The Feeding Frenzy Begin...
It is that time of year on the campaign trail in which passions become inflamed and rhetoric flies...
The Swift Boaters, the smear artists, the Karl Roves of this Reich emerge from the sceptic sludge in which they have been hatching their latest plots...
Meanwhile, the paranoid, the gullible and the functionally illiterate emerge from their closets and bomb shelters, remove the duct tape and visqueen from doors and windows to find the latest plots to undermine their way of life.
The foaming at the mouth is too priceless to ignore in their attempts to prove in fact, that the earth is flat, that man has never set foot on the moon and climate change is the ultimate hoax.
I throw my hat in the ring in this not so subtle spoof of urban legend and political rumor.
(originally posted on Craigslist during the primary)
Earthling,
You alone among the two legged walking upright have figured out our nefarious plan to undermine your civilization.
You alone have found out who the real Obama is!
I am InaBar, communicator and diplomatic minister of Urenanus, the 14th planet of the star your people know as b199873 in the Crab Nebula. Yes Obama is one of our operatives, sent to your planet to secure quantities of silica which are now lacking on our planet due to the constant bombardment of what you call gamma rays.
McCain is not one of ours. However we too have been observing him and you will--or should soon find out that he practices cannibalism. Notice his stiff gait. This is the result of an early stage of v.Jakubs Crutzfeld or what some earth people call Mad Cow. Look at the highly developed jaw and unusual facial features. This is the result of years of gnawing on the large femur and other limbs that are an outgrowth of his years of deprivation and starvation in North Vietnamese prison camps. He refers to this tasty delicacy as "long pig". Vietnam was not a memory he cherishes...
Hillary is one of ours although she was an early and unsuccessful experiment in cloning. Her genetic material is actually derived from that of Liberace and Madalyn Murray Ohair. She has however proven to be somewhat uncontrollable and too emotional for our needs.
Homosexuality is indeed a plot to deprive your planet of needed reproductive materials. We have created hominids that are able to consume and store large quantities of semen in various bodily orifices without actually impregnating anyone or anything.
Obesity is part of this same plot whereby we render the two legged unattractive to each other and physically unable to fornicate unlesss certain positions are achieved or the male member is larger than the norm. Many male members of your society now cannot in fact find their reproductive organ without looking in a mirror. By controlling human reproduction, we will be able to assume control of your planet much earlier and with less violence as the population gradually shrinks. Notice how many earth women now look like Roseanne Barr and wear ugly shoes? Do you find this attractive, earth person?
As you have noticed, we have also experimented with body hair but our experiments have been inconclusive. Salma Hayek has been far more successful and attractive to earthlings than we ever imagined and waxing seems to be a popular albeit painful process.
More later, earth person. I congratulate you on your brilliant detective work. We will soon be able to return Elvis to your planet as well.
The Swift Boaters, the smear artists, the Karl Roves of this Reich emerge from the sceptic sludge in which they have been hatching their latest plots...
Meanwhile, the paranoid, the gullible and the functionally illiterate emerge from their closets and bomb shelters, remove the duct tape and visqueen from doors and windows to find the latest plots to undermine their way of life.
The foaming at the mouth is too priceless to ignore in their attempts to prove in fact, that the earth is flat, that man has never set foot on the moon and climate change is the ultimate hoax.
I throw my hat in the ring in this not so subtle spoof of urban legend and political rumor.
(originally posted on Craigslist during the primary)
Earthling,
You alone among the two legged walking upright have figured out our nefarious plan to undermine your civilization.
You alone have found out who the real Obama is!
I am InaBar, communicator and diplomatic minister of Urenanus, the 14th planet of the star your people know as b199873 in the Crab Nebula. Yes Obama is one of our operatives, sent to your planet to secure quantities of silica which are now lacking on our planet due to the constant bombardment of what you call gamma rays.
McCain is not one of ours. However we too have been observing him and you will--or should soon find out that he practices cannibalism. Notice his stiff gait. This is the result of an early stage of v.Jakubs Crutzfeld or what some earth people call Mad Cow. Look at the highly developed jaw and unusual facial features. This is the result of years of gnawing on the large femur and other limbs that are an outgrowth of his years of deprivation and starvation in North Vietnamese prison camps. He refers to this tasty delicacy as "long pig". Vietnam was not a memory he cherishes...
Hillary is one of ours although she was an early and unsuccessful experiment in cloning. Her genetic material is actually derived from that of Liberace and Madalyn Murray Ohair. She has however proven to be somewhat uncontrollable and too emotional for our needs.
Homosexuality is indeed a plot to deprive your planet of needed reproductive materials. We have created hominids that are able to consume and store large quantities of semen in various bodily orifices without actually impregnating anyone or anything.
Obesity is part of this same plot whereby we render the two legged unattractive to each other and physically unable to fornicate unlesss certain positions are achieved or the male member is larger than the norm. Many male members of your society now cannot in fact find their reproductive organ without looking in a mirror. By controlling human reproduction, we will be able to assume control of your planet much earlier and with less violence as the population gradually shrinks. Notice how many earth women now look like Roseanne Barr and wear ugly shoes? Do you find this attractive, earth person?
As you have noticed, we have also experimented with body hair but our experiments have been inconclusive. Salma Hayek has been far more successful and attractive to earthlings than we ever imagined and waxing seems to be a popular albeit painful process.
More later, earth person. I congratulate you on your brilliant detective work. We will soon be able to return Elvis to your planet as well.
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